Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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