please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
