Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
