this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
