I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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