Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
