You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
