You just made me feel so damn special
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
