Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
