Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
