i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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