You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
