Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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