I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
