While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
