My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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