This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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