i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
