I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
