I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
