I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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