I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
