i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
