i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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