I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
