sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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