I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
