shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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