soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize