Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
