What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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