I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
