I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
