New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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