Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
