Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
either way he was missing a nipple.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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