I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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