3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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