I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
