Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
