I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I want her autograph on my taint
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
