i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
