Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
