you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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