ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
