sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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