The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
