Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
