a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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