Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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