I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize