I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
