wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
