I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
