My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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