Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
