I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
