so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She told me I should be a condom model.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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