She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
