Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
