I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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