I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
They have beer where we have blood.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
