I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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