Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
