i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
