I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
