Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
